Kinda Smelling a Fart

Partly because I can’t smell, but mostly because I’m gross and find farts humorous, Greg and I let the gas fly freely in our household.  While folding laundry together the other night, Greg let a particularly stinky one rip.  With each disgusted face he made, I laughed harder and harder.  It’s always awesome for me to watch others suffer through horrid smells, and this time was especially funny because Greg did it to himself.  He took a few steps toward me in anticipation for tickling revenge, and as he did, I inhaled, and suddenly choked on a burning sensation in the back of my throat.  I let out a soft cough, thinking I must have had a weird tickle or spur of allergies over some dust microbe.  That’s when Greg went back to his side of the bed to fold and said something to the effect of, “Oh god it burns.”  I paused over the wonder and realization of me actually experiencing a fart, so I promptly asked him, “Do farts really burn?  Like, can you actually feel a burning sensation in the back of your throat?”  To which he responded with his this-is-common-sense tone, “Yeah.  It’s methane gas.”

I must have asked him three times to clarify exactly how it feels, because I couldn’t believe that I may have actually experienced a real fart, but it’s true.  I was ecstatic!  I quickly walked into his fart zone in the hopes of feeling the burning sensation again, but a few deep breaths later, I knew it wasn’t going to happen.  Smells are fleeting with me, and usually entail less smelling and more tingling in my nose, tastes on my tongue, or currently, a burn in my throat.  However, that didn’t dampen the initial joy of actually semi-smelling a fart.

As grossed out as I’m sure most of you are by this point (if any of you are still reading), I’ve been trying to smell farts my whole life!  In high school, my cousin would let a good one out on her mattress while we sat on her bed doing homework, and I’d immediately rush up, plant my nose firmly into the bed, and hope that I’d smell her alleged rose-scented farts.  For all I know, her farts really did smell like a beautiful rose garden, so I totally back her on that claim.

I am so intrigued with smells, and it’s so incredibly difficult for those around me to explain what they’re like.  So please, those of you that read and are good with words, I beg of you to attempt to explain to me the smell of farts.  Or just share a good fart story if you want.  Your grossness is accepted here.

My idol, Jenny The Bloggess Lawson, attempted to explain to me what blood smells like, and I was thrilled!  Think she nailed it?



Will You Sign My Dead Chipmunk?

Two days ago, my cousin Marissa and I left Los Angeles a little before 1pm, to drive down to San Diego for a book signing that started at 7pm.  Yes, we did get to Barnes & Noble four hours early to inquire about Jenny Lawson’s signing, and no, we didn’t regret how excessively early we were.  If you haven’t yet, you must read her book: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir) and visit her blog, because then you’ll understand why we absolutely needed to be seated as close as humanly possible to her. 
We asked the nearest sales clerk for information about the event, but we weren’t satisfied with his answer of, “It’ll be over there at 7pm,” and him quickly flicking his wrist and not even bothering to look up from his bookkeeping.  We did not arrive hours in advance to get information we already knew, so Marissa kept politely prodding for more details of where and when we could begin lining up.  You could tell he was a bit bothered with our questioning of every detail, so Marissa saved us by cheerfully adding, “We’re really excited to meet her!”  At that, he softened and inquired as to whether we bought her book yet, and gladly signed a ticket for us, showing that we had.
Noticing that we were the only two nerds there and ready for the signing (and pretty much the only two in the store) we felt more than comfortable leaving to meet up with my other cousin, Marissa’s sister, for a long lunch.  She was quick to laugh and question our attire, as we were matching in our Lawsbian Pride shirts and gray shorts.
We got back to Barnes & Noble a little before 5pm, and after perusing every square inch of the store, we sat ourselves down in the cleared out kid’s section, where Jenny would be doing her reading (which is hilarious because she has an awesomely funny, but foul, mouth).  We were sure people must have thought we were child predators since the cushions we sat on were located right next to the play table, but we sat down anyway and tried not to stare too much at the cute kids who came to play with the train-set on the table.   
For the last few weeks, I have been working on a Jefferson Peabody cross-stitch to give to Jenny, and with my luck, I still wasn’t quite done with it.  I had worked so hard and was determined to give it to her, so I sat and stitched furiously, my hands shaking with the anxiety over not finishing in time.  While I stitched, Marissa was audibly enjoying herself while re-reading Jenny’s book.  Amazingly enough, I finished just as my online Lawsbian friend, Shelly, arrived at the store. 
It was the first time we’d be meeting in person, and I was terrified of being the usual ball of awkward that I usually am, but Shelly’s warm personality kept our conversation going, and the three of us sat and chatted the time away while we waited for the chairs to get set up.  The event organizer was really nice, and offered up-to-the-minute information on what he was doing, and how he was planning to set up the area without us even inquiring.  As soon as he got the first two rows set up, Marissa, Shelly, and I plopped ourselves down on the first three seats of the front row.  A brown chair next to Shelly was marked with a post-it that said it was reserved for a relative.  We were told it was for her sister-in-law, but being the super Jenny stalkers we are, we knew her husband, Victor, didn’t have a brother, and began to excite ourselves over the prospect of it being Jenny’s sister, Lisa….and it totally was!  I got to share side glances and knowing smiles with her on a few occasions throughout Jenny’s appearance, and that made the night just that much more special.
We brought our humanely taxidermied critters, and they were
just as excited to be sitting right up front.
But to get back to the waiting part: While I was sitting, nervously clutching my book in my lap, I noticed Bree, my cousin-in-law, (is that even a term? She’s my cousin’s husband’s sister….so it makes sense in my head) sitting in the row behind me.  I had no idea she was a fan too, so I tried to get her attention, but my soft voice was overshadowed by the excitement she was causing over the 2-foot metal chicken she had in her hands.  If you’re not a Bloggess fan, you should go read this to see what the hub bub was all about.  I finally caught her attention, and after sharing a hug, she showed me pictures of our niece’s 2nd birthday party.  (Well, she’s not really my niece, she’s Bree’s niece, but she’s my cousin’s child, so she feels like a niece to me…and now I’m realizing that I apparently like to make up family relationship names…that’s cool, right?)
As soon as Bree went back to her seat, a girl with a cool camera around her neck who was taking candid photos of everyone asked if I was Erica.  Turns out, it was Melanie, the one who started the Hope Blog Relay that I took part in!  I was pretty much as awestruck as if I was meeting Jenny, so I jumped right up and gave her a hug, and then sat right back down, all awkward-like, and mumbled something about how great it was to meet her in person.  I thought I scared her away, ‘cause she quickly retreated to the back where she continued to take pictures, but turns out she was feeling just as socially inept as me!  So like opposing magnets, our awesome social skills kept us from sharing more than a hug and a quick hello.
Time seemed to fly by, and soon enough, Jenny was right in front of me.  And I mean right in front of me! 
Best story time EVER!
She read one of my favorite chapters (of course it’s the one about poo), and we all laughed our asses off the entire time.  It was fun sneaking glances at the trying-not-to-smile-security dude and the Barnes and Noble employees who were hearing her story for the first time.  After an awesome question and answer session, it was time to line up for the signing.  Being in the front row, we got to line up first, and I happened to get shuffled to the very front of the line!  I gawkily stood there fumbling around with my phone, my book, my cross stitch, and of course, my taxidermy newsy chipmunk, Marjorie, watching Jenny take a seat and prepare to meet us all, and waiting for someone to usher me forward.  
When they finally said I could approach the table, I was a mumbling fool, but Jenny was so sweet, that she helped calm me down.  She was all kinds of excited to see Marjorie, and said that she was the first chipmunk she’s ever signed!  And when I gave her the Jefferson Peabody cross-stitch, she was beyond grateful.  She didn’t just give a polite thank-you, she was genuinely impressed and happy to receive it, and it made my heart happy.  I couldn’t have asked for a better reaction:
So excited!
As we prepared for the picture, and I made sure to position Marjorie in it, she remembered that she had brought Copernicus, who was sitting in her purse right at her feet.  I watched her struggle to pull him out of the clawing tangle of things in her purse, and contemplated helping, but wasn’t sure if it was cool to reach into a New York Times Best Seller author’s purse, so I held back.  After seconds of her struggling, which felt like minutes, I decided, awesome author or not, she needs help, and it’s the humane thing to do, so I reached down to help untangle Copernicus.  At the same time, her sister rushed in to help, and suddenly there were too many hands, and I heard her sister softly say, “No,” and wasn’t sure who she was talking to, or what she was referring to, but I’m pretty sure it was directed to me, the complete stranger, putting her hands on her sister’s purse junk.  I get it though.  If I were ever famous, I’d like to think that my brothers would look out for my possessions too.  In any case, out popped Copernicus, and with Jenny victoriously holding him, we snapped a picture together. 
I love how genuine she is! I mean, look at that smile!
When it was all over, Marissa and I were literally shaking with nervous excitement, and our giddy smiles stayed plastered on our faces all night.  It truly was one of the best days of my life, and one that I will never forget.
Marissa, Jenny, Me, Copernicus,
Not-So-Bad-Ass-Legolas, and a naked Marjorie.

And if you made it to the end of this post, thanks for sticking it out!  There was just no way I could cut any of that day from this entry, so I appreciate your dedication. 

She validated my Cool Girl Book Club name by
voluntarily writing, “You Rock!”